Dating in 2017

 Now, I preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what it's like to date for a potential mate. I know what it's like to date my husband but not the whole meet someone new, get to know them, spend time with them, so on and so forth. But I will say that it is possible to meet someone in 2017, date, fall in love and get married. Why? Well, because I see so many women getting engaged and married in 2017. Proof is in the pudding, right?

Now, what you are about to read might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said. Your grandmother told you. Your mama prolly tells you. And here I am, Fancy, telling you. Get your shit together and you will attract a good man that is right for you. And, no, I'm not talking about your degrees, credit, home ownership, retirement plan. I mean, you need that to be together too but I'm talking about your shit in between your head. All that baggage you're carrying around between your ears. Get that together. Make self care your first priority because if you aren't all the way together, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you. Plus, you don't want to be bringing a mess into a relationship anyway.

How do you get your shit together? GO TO THERAPY!!! Figure out where your trust issues come from and fix it. Figure out why you're so defensive and can never be wrong, then fix it. Figure out why you're a pushover even when you know you're being taken advantage of....and fix it. If you don't have any of the above issues, I'm sure you will discover something to work on when you GO TO THERAPY!

Trust me. I want you to win. I want you to be happy. I want to you have the desires of your heart. You cannot do that if you don't concur yourself. I started going to talk to a therapist in 2013 when my husband asked me why I was so "cold". At first I was defensive. Then I told him I didn't know. Then I started crying. Then I found a therapist. LOL! Therapy is going to be tough at first but then it gets easier as you fix your issues and learn healthy ways to adjust in life. I did and all of my relationships improved. 

Once you get yourself together, you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what you want in a romantic relationship. As with anything, if you don't know exactly what you want, you're will be an easy sell on pretty much anything. And by anything, I mean the man you keep dating that aren't right for you and won't do right by you. Make a list. Be specific. Pray for that man. Pray and trust. Continue to worry about yourself. Jehovah will lead your man to you while you're out and about being great. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go seeking a man. Make yourself available, because, well, he can't find you if you're in the house, but do not seek him out. Men need to pursue. They are competitive by nature. They need to feel like they won the prize. You are the prize.

Now, when I was single, I did not have a problem getting a date or keeping a man. Here are some tips on what Fancy would do when she was single:

1. Never take a man's phone number. If he is REALLY interested, he will ask for a way to get in contact with you. If he offers his number, you may take it to be polite but do not call him. He ain't no good for you, girl. 
2. Make him plan for you. After all, you are very busy, like Nene, being great. If he does not call you at least 3 days in advance to take you out, you are unavailable. Period. "Awwww man. That sounds lovely but I already have something on my calendar that day." Even if it's binge watching House of Cards. You are VERY BUSY!
3. Practice dating. That means, any man who is respectful, shows interest and makes plans. Let him take you out. I repeat. LET HIM TAKE YOU OUT! You never know the kind of jewel he is. If it turns out that there just isn't any chemistry, you've practiced how to behave so you won't act a plum fool when you someone you actually like asks you on a date.
4. Listen with your mouth closed. Ask questions. Be interested. Don't talk so much. It makes you look self centered. 
5. Have realistic expectations. No man is perfect. If he passes you're "non-negotiables" test, let him live. Once you're in a relationship, love him for who he is. Do not beat him up for who he is not. Let's face it, you aren't perfect either. We are all a work in progress.

My husband and I have been together since 2003. We have grown up together. We have matured together. This relationship thang ain't easy but we make it work because we love each other. However, if something should happen to him and I decided to date again. I would take my own advice. It worked to get him and it worked to keep him. 

Fancy and Husband
Photo Credit: Kyle Pompey

When The Time Is Right

I'm writing this for women who feel like it will never happen for them. When the time is right. It will happen. Work on your relationship. Work on yourself. Exercise. Eat right. Take your vitamins. Pray. Don't stress. Jehovah knows what's best.

My husband and I got married in 2007 after 4 years of dating. In retrospect, we were young and dumb. He was still in residency, I was still in school but we both knew that we were made for each other. The first four years of our marriage were TOUGH! Mostly due to selfishness and immaturity on both parts. What people don't tell you about getting married is that you don't automatically think like a wife or a husband right after you say "I do". There's no switch. You have to grow into those roles.
We had essentially been in a long distance relationship the entire 4 years that we dated. Even though DC and Baltimore aren't that far from each other, with his school schedule and my work and school schedule, the weekends or every other weekend was when we spent time together. The rest of the time was spent talking on the phone. No Facetime back then. LOL! Sometimes we went as long as 6 weeks with out actually seeing each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but you also don't realize how annoying someone can be when you aren't around them all the time.

My Role

I was I-N-D-E-P-E-D-E-N-T. I had purchased my home and maybe one investment property. I had a car. I was making decent money. I lived alone. I was used to coming and going as I pleased because I had no one to be accountable to. I liked things a certain way. The right
way. My way. I was brash and bossy. I was a caretaker. I did everything and did not expect him to help out around the house because he was working 80-100 hours per week. I handle all of his "business" without him asking for help. I did not allow any negative consequences so that he could figure stuff out on his own and learn.

His Role

He was "focused" on his career, which meant quality time with me was often neglected. If it came down to spending time with me doing something he didn't necessarily want to do or work/sleeping for work or softball, he had a habit of choosing something other than me. He did not offer to help me out around the house because usually it was taken care of. He ignored me when I fussed.

Delay In Kids

We never put our marital problems on blast. EVER! We worked on them in private. I'd joke when people asked me when we were gonna start a family and say "We gotta figure out if we like each other enough before we do alladat." or "With all these advances in medicine, I got until a smooth 40 before pregnancy becomes an issue. I got trips to take."
But the reality was, we had some things to work through before we jumped into adding even more stress, like a crying infant. LOL! We had to get our finances in order. People assume because you're in a certain tax bracket or have a certain career that your money is right. No. We had to learn to set a budget and stick to it. I had my way of doing things and he never had any financial responsibility. He had been in school from age 6 to 26. We had to learn how to communicate with each other. We had to perfect our roles on the team. He learned to do laundry and dishes. I folded, dried and put them away. We budgeted in a housekeeper for all the other things. I went to the grocery store. He carried bags and put groceries away. I handled the bills and communicated where we were. He made sure I had access to everything I needed. Most importantly, we went to marriage counseling. I'm not talking about going to sit with our pastor at church or a marriage ministry bible study, not that there is anything wrong with that. But we needed something a little more candid. I'm talking about a certified therapist, who gave us assignments and helped us really hear each other. Our therapist gave us a book to read that really helped us understand each other better, Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, with the work book.
Once we went to therapy together, we were able to get to the root of "why" instead of focusing on the "what". Things were moving in the right direction but it still wasn't enough. Both of us had to do some work on ourselves, so still, to this day, we have regular individual therapy sessions. We have grown leaps and bounds....together. Once our communication improved, everything else improved. EVERYTHING.
We got our money right.  We traveled. We bought dumb stuff. Had regrets. We were finally able to got into our groove late into year 6.

The Plunge

Our marriage was on track. We had checked everything off of our bucket list from our 20s. We were in good places in our careers. We decided that we'd start trying for a baby in August 2015. August was ideal because we had a few trips in the summer and we wanted to be able to drink and do excursions. LOL! Although we are both healthy, it was still in the back of our minds that we were 35 years old and that we may encounter some difficulties getting pregnant now that we'd "done it right". You know, finished school, advanced our careers, traveled, enjoyed marriage, and THEN started a family.
We were both taking our vitamins, working out, eating right and so in July, we counted 14 days from the first day of my cycle and set the date to begin trying, August 1. At least twice a day, every other day for 7 days. We had fun. No stress.
I had some of my closest friends in town to celebrate my anniversary of birth, August 24, for the weekend.
Lots of food, fun, and sun. AND libations. Then it hit me, my period was supposed to come. So I took a test before they left. That thang turned positive within 30 seconds. I showed my husband. He high fived me, like I was a softball teammates. LOL! We had done it. The time was right. We were in a good place in our marriage and in life. Jehovah had blessed us at 35 with our first son. No fertility treatments, even though those vitamins had our loins on fleek. LOL! No stress. No in vitro. Just love. We celebrated 8 years of marriage this year and pray for a healthy baby boy to be born in April 2016. God is good.

Who's Going to Save the Hero?

I am a music head. I LOVE good music. Music gets me through my day. Music gets me through tough times. I can have a whole conversation just by citing different lyrics. I'm not the biggest fan of ballads. I prefer booty popping and trapping music. However, I am a musician deep down inside, so every now and then a slow song will catch my attention. Not often but it does happen. So, the first time I heard "Save The Hero" by Beyonce, it instantly caught my attention. Mainly because I am drawn to music that is in a minor key but then I started to listen to the lyrics and I teared up a lil bit. I may have shed one thug tear, but that's it. Cuz I'm a G and G's don't cry.

What are the lyrics to that song? Let's have a look:

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyesBut I'm not strong enough to cryDespite of my disguiseI'm left with no shoulderBut everybody wants to lean on me.I guess I'm their soldier.Well, who's gonna be mine
[Chorus:]Who's there to save the heroWhen she's left all aloneAnd she's crying out for help.Who's there to save the heroWho's there to save the girl...After she saves the worldAfter she saves the world.
I bottle all my hurt inside,I guess I'm living in lie.Inside my mind each day I dieWhat can bring me back to life?A simple word, a gestureSomeone to say you're beautifulCome find this buried treasureRainbows lead to a pot of gold
[Chorus]
I've given too much of myselfAnd now it's driving me crazy(I'm crying out for help)Sometimes I wish someone wouldJust come here and save me...Save me from myself

WOW! That is deep. It really hit home because I my maternal grandmother died of a heart attack while being the care taker for my great grand parents. Not her parents. Her husband's parents. I watched my mother do for everyone else and then have to short change herself because she gave so much. Most women find themselves in this position. We are givers and nurtures. It's in our genetics. We are more than willing to put our own hopes, dreams and desires on the back burner so that we can support our children, husband, family, friends, community and anyone in need. 

I found myself beginning to walk in the same footsteps of my mother and grandmother. Sacrificing to see smiles on everyone else's face until one day it hit me that I was not smiling. I was not doing the things I wanted to do so that I could make sure everyone else had what they wanted and needed. Although I did those things with love, I recognized the sacrifice that no one else could see because I always made it look so easy. *adjusts crown* So when I didn't feel like it was appreciated I would go OFF!!! Like cussing people out and cutting them off. A protection mechanism of sorts. Yes. Very extreme but it seemed healthy to me......until I talked to my therapist about it. LOL!

Guess who saved the hero after she saves the world. A therapist. I learned that my "crown syndrome" made me feel obligated to go out of my way for people that I care about even at times when those same sentiments weren't being reciprocated or even really appreciated. Therapy made me realize that it is perfectly fine for me to "worry about myself" and that I could not help anyone if I wasn't happy with my own life.

There is a reason that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, in the event of emergency. How can you save anyone if you can't breathe? You can't. Save yourself. You are responsible for yourself, hero. Get in therapy. Therapy is like the best thing ever. They are legally obligated to keep aaaaallllll your secrets. LOL! Learn your limits. Don't feel guilty about saying "no". "No" is a complete sentence.

Yes. Life comes at you fast. Sometimes things can get overwhelming even when you are taking care of yourself. Crying in itself is a sort of therapy. Let it out, in private, wipe your tears, then get back to business. You can't save yourself or the world if you spend too much time crying about it. LOL!

I say all of this to say, Fancy is trying to save you from yourself. You can be the hero. We need more heroes and heroins in this world. Just make sure you aren't saving everyone and losing yourself. Save yourself. Save the world. Cry when you get overwhelmed. Fix your crown. Fasten your cape. And get back to saving.