Dating in 2017

 Now, I preface this blog by saying that I have no idea what it's like to date for a potential mate. I know what it's like to date my husband but not the whole meet someone new, get to know them, spend time with them, so on and so forth. But I will say that it is possible to meet someone in 2017, date, fall in love and get married. Why? Well, because I see so many women getting engaged and married in 2017. Proof is in the pudding, right?

Now, what you are about to read might hurt your feelings but it needs to be said. Your grandmother told you. Your mama prolly tells you. And here I am, Fancy, telling you. Get your shit together and you will attract a good man that is right for you. And, no, I'm not talking about your degrees, credit, home ownership, retirement plan. I mean, you need that to be together too but I'm talking about your shit in between your head. All that baggage you're carrying around between your ears. Get that together. Make self care your first priority because if you aren't all the way together, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you. Plus, you don't want to be bringing a mess into a relationship anyway.

How do you get your shit together? GO TO THERAPY!!! Figure out where your trust issues come from and fix it. Figure out why you're so defensive and can never be wrong, then fix it. Figure out why you're a pushover even when you know you're being taken advantage of....and fix it. If you don't have any of the above issues, I'm sure you will discover something to work on when you GO TO THERAPY!

Trust me. I want you to win. I want you to be happy. I want to you have the desires of your heart. You cannot do that if you don't concur yourself. I started going to talk to a therapist in 2013 when my husband asked me why I was so "cold". At first I was defensive. Then I told him I didn't know. Then I started crying. Then I found a therapist. LOL! Therapy is going to be tough at first but then it gets easier as you fix your issues and learn healthy ways to adjust in life. I did and all of my relationships improved. 

Once you get yourself together, you'll be able to pinpoint exactly what you want in a romantic relationship. As with anything, if you don't know exactly what you want, you're will be an easy sell on pretty much anything. And by anything, I mean the man you keep dating that aren't right for you and won't do right by you. Make a list. Be specific. Pray for that man. Pray and trust. Continue to worry about yourself. Jehovah will lead your man to you while you're out and about being great. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go seeking a man. Make yourself available, because, well, he can't find you if you're in the house, but do not seek him out. Men need to pursue. They are competitive by nature. They need to feel like they won the prize. You are the prize.

Now, when I was single, I did not have a problem getting a date or keeping a man. Here are some tips on what Fancy would do when she was single:

1. Never take a man's phone number. If he is REALLY interested, he will ask for a way to get in contact with you. If he offers his number, you may take it to be polite but do not call him. He ain't no good for you, girl. 
2. Make him plan for you. After all, you are very busy, like Nene, being great. If he does not call you at least 3 days in advance to take you out, you are unavailable. Period. "Awwww man. That sounds lovely but I already have something on my calendar that day." Even if it's binge watching House of Cards. You are VERY BUSY!
3. Practice dating. That means, any man who is respectful, shows interest and makes plans. Let him take you out. I repeat. LET HIM TAKE YOU OUT! You never know the kind of jewel he is. If it turns out that there just isn't any chemistry, you've practiced how to behave so you won't act a plum fool when you someone you actually like asks you on a date.
4. Listen with your mouth closed. Ask questions. Be interested. Don't talk so much. It makes you look self centered. 
5. Have realistic expectations. No man is perfect. If he passes you're "non-negotiables" test, let him live. Once you're in a relationship, love him for who he is. Do not beat him up for who he is not. Let's face it, you aren't perfect either. We are all a work in progress.

My husband and I have been together since 2003. We have grown up together. We have matured together. This relationship thang ain't easy but we make it work because we love each other. However, if something should happen to him and I decided to date again. I would take my own advice. It worked to get him and it worked to keep him. 

Fancy and Husband
Photo Credit: Kyle Pompey

Do I still have it?

While my husband lavishes me with as much attention as he can, I sometimes wonder if the recent lack of attention from the opposite sex if because I'm not as attractive as I was in my bachelorette days or the obvious sign that I'm married....the rings. So, every know and then I may flirt with a guy, just to see if I still have it. Totally innocent, I swear.
After a weekend with my very single younger cousins, I realized that I still have it! The lack of attention, well, I guess some men can be intimidated by the fact that I'm young, fun, fabulous, AND married. I discovered that the married part means that you REALLY have it going on 'cause someone has tied you down. LOL!
So, honey, if you ever read this...I was just checking. LOL!

Letting Go

It's important to realize that no matter how much you care about a person, when you feel like you are the only one who cares, let it go. It may hurt but open your eye to see the people around you that love you and concentrate on enjoying them and giving them the love they deserve instead of wondering what you did to make that one jerk treat you so badly.
Even though you may feel like you are losing someone, God has sent someone to replace the void you think will be there when you let go of the hurtful relationship. Enjoy what you have instead of trying to force something that isn't going to work out. You'll feel better about it in the end.
After all, God doesn't make mistakes and it is not our place to question. We must have faith and accept things as they are because honestly we may never know why and we are probably better off not knowing.

The Rules

I recently read a male friends blog on relationships and how he had given the ole' okie doke to his psuedo-girlfriend of 7 months with the excuse of "if it ain't broken, why fix it". There were several comments about how men should be honest with a woman if he is not interested in a committed relationship but no one pointed out how the woman could be at fault.
First of all, woman need to stop chasing and catering to men. Men like a challenge. It's a game to them. They want what is hardest for them to get. If you make it easy for them, they lose interest, quickly. It doesn't matter how pretty, succesful, smart, stylish, or fun you are. If you're easy access, forget about it. When I say easy, I don't mean that you are a slut. I mean, you are always available when he wants to talk to you or see you. You call him more than he calls you. You do all of the calling. You change your plans when he calls you at the last minute. Stick to your schedule. If you planned to chill at home, keep that plan. He should be finding a way to fit into your schedule, not the other way around, if he's interested. If he isn't, he'll move on, to your advantage. You don't want him wasting your time anyway.
You take anything he gives you as acceptable. For example, no birthday call or gift, no date for Valentine's Day, he's missing in action on Christmas, unaswered phone calls, unreturned messages, etc. You brush the hurt off and accept him with open arms without making him suffer consequences when he decides to come back around with no explanation. People in general, whether it be a male-female relationship or employee-employer relationship, are only going to do to you what you allow. As seen in the parent-child relationship, boundaries are tested and pushed until punishment is enforced. Not saying that you must punish people to get them to treat you right but you must draw the line at what is acceptable to you. After all, no one is going to care about you as much as you are. So, if you don't speak up for yourself, who will?
I realize that no one wants to be lonely, but accepting substandard behavior from your mate will probably leave you just as miserable as being single. You must first know what your needs are before you can know how you need to be love. Sure, any man can care for you and love you. But does he love you the way you need to be loved. Some women need to be wined and dined while others prefer walks in the park and picnics. If the one you are with is not meeting your needs, be woman enough to move on. On the flip side, everyone has there quirks and baggage. People don't change, so you must know when enough is enough. Are you willing to accept the good with the bad? Is the bad overshadowing the good?
Just my thoughts on dating and relationships. If you are unhappy in the relationship you are in, think about the changes you need to make before you try to change your mate. After all, you only have control over your actions so choose them wisely.